Its been about a year since I last posted.
Its been a long year.
Reading over my most recent blog I thought to myself.... wow... I didnt really have anything much to say... just good news I wanted to share.
Maybe thats what Blogging is... I however always thought it should be something a little deeper, more insightful than HOORAY I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW....
(thats not the case anymore by the way... just to continue the habit of news sharing!)
But I thought about my life, or more specifically the past 11 months of my life... and thought... the reason I don't blog anymore is because what I have to say is far too complicated, crazy and disorganized to even put in a blog... not to mention probably horrifically boring to read. But I wont lie... ALOT has happened... many things have changed I've fallen in and out of love again... maybe not so much 'out' ...yet... but my life is so different from June 2010.
So what changed? My relationship status, My level of education, My outlook on life, the structure of my heart..... (figuratively speaking)
But I'm not on this to moan... for a change!
I'm going to try this insightful business that I originally expected from blogging...
Here goes nothing...
Love is a bit of a bitch.... Loving someone is also a bit of a bitch.... Loving someone and not being loved back is slightly more of a bitch than the others... but the worst thing of all, the biggest bitch per se... by a long shot is having to stop loving someone...
my question is: what am i supposed to do with all the love I have for that person? It feels like a physical thing I was meant to give them... and now I cant!
The mantra I adopted, in an attempt to heal and move on, was: 'It's their loss... It's their loss' only to discover it was of very little help to me.. as my heart was telling me otherwise. I feel that being a hopeless romantic is a curse because despite telling yourself that 'He who is meant for you won't pass you by', it's unbelievably hard to believe... especially when you're certain that the 'He who is meant for you' doesnt want you....
AND YET, i still love Love...
I have another question: one I need an answer to... how are you supposed to move on... when you don't want to? or are you ever supposed to want to? Being forced to move on... mostly by accepting that there is no future... is, emotionally, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Heart ache and heart break... they're physical feelings... did anyone else know this?? I thought it was a figure of speech... maybe portrayed in reality by crying... but NOOOOO, it is a very real pain in my chest, (that I am actually experiencing now, while writing this) - you see my method to moving on was just; 'out of sight out of mind' ignoring their existence or maybe just trying to forget you ever felt anything until it just magically goes away, but writing this only brings it all to the fore and reminds me all too clearly of my problems...
But your heart doesnt allow such nonsense (moving on etc)... it's the fucking devils advocat in the whole situation... it knows what you want more than your 'clever' brain. Ive characterized the pain I feel as my heart screaming out "LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME".... but to no desirable answer, only the bitter truth spoken by the brain "NEVER GONNA HAPPEN"....
This is just one tiny thought-trail.... of which there are millions... It may not make much sense and it sure as hell doesnt even BEGIN to explain how I truly feel, but well.. it does kind of help to say it 'aloud'.
As a final note on the topic: if anyone has fallen victim to love like i have.... i want to hug you and tell you its ok... but that would be lying.. and i try my best not to lie...
Yours,
LMC
xxx
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